9 months have come and gone...

Damn. I could've gotten prego and had a baby in the time it took me to get back on here and write another blog entry. That didn't happen...but the point is that it could have. Still, a lot has happened in the last 9 months. In my last entry from September 2010, I was very, very worried about moving from Alaska and finding a job. Well, Kevin and I both do have good, full-time jobs now, so we are very grateful for that. I am working as an Associate Merchandise Manager for Print Music at West Music Company in Coralville, and Kev is working at RSC Equipment in Cedar Rapids as a maintenance mechanic. It wasn't easy to get here though. In fact, we just finally moved here to Iowa City about a month ago.

After we moved back from Alaska, we lived with Kevin's parents for 6 long months. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful that we have family that love and care for us enough to take us into their own home, but it was rough. It was difficult being a married couple living with your parents/in-laws for that length of time. We were very luck to be there, though, because we moved back to Davenport in October 2010, and I didn't get a full-time job until December. Kevin landed a job right away, but then got laid off very abruptly and had to quickly find something else. I think Kevin has worked at 4 jobs in the past 7 months, just because something better would keep coming along. Finally, I think we are somewhere we might want to be for awhile. Maybe.

I got a little sad while reading my last blog post, because it sounds like I could have written it a week ago instead of 9 months ago. I am still just as confused about what I want to do with my life, and where I want to go, and what I want to see. I am married, but I'm not ready to settle down. As far as a partner goes, yes, because I love my husband very much...but that doesn't mean we have to settle down and just repeat this 9-5 boring, repetitive, unrewarding schedule every day for the rest of our lives. I am only 23 years old. Sometimes, I feel like I'm 40...which is actually very sad. These last several months have taken a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. We've been through so many ups and downs that it's hard to keep my head straight and focus. I honestly can't make myself do anything anymore besides get up (with 20 minutes to spare), go to work, work straight through for 9 hours without a break, drive home, feed and let the dog outside, eat some pre-packaged dinner, put my pajamas on, and watch TV until it's time to go to bed. Then, I do it all over again. And over again. And over again. I have only lived this way for 6 months, and I can't imagine how so many people have done this for 10, 20, or 30 years. I need something to revitalize me, to make me want to be adventurous and try new things...to want to live life.

I not very long ago had a conversation with my dad. We were talking about him bench-pressing at the gym, and he was doing very well and improving, but he said , "Man, if I could only be 20 again...watch out!" This almost made me choke up after he said it, and it certainly is right now. I am taking my age for granted. I am not doing the things I should be doing while I am young and able. I should be enjoying my life and taking chances, but instead, I sit in an office every day, staring at a computer screen.

I just have to keep telling myself, "I will never again be as young as I am in this moment". Maybe one of these times, I'll listen...

Wishy washy

Recently, I haven't been able to shake this wishy-washy feeling.  The feeling that I am just floating around in life, that I have no definite direction, and that I don't know what is coming next.  Don't get me wrong...I have the best husband in the world that is going through this difficult transition period right along with me, but it is still a very lonely feeling not to know what your goal/purpose in life is. 

On October 20th, we will be starting a new phase in our lives.  This is the day that we will be leaving Alaska and moving back to....somewhere.....and see, that's the scary part.  Not knowing where we'll be in a little over a month.  It's not that we haven't been trying to pinpoint a specific location...it's just that we haven't been able to secure a job. Neither of us.  Nothing.  One of us graduated cum laude from a private 4-year college, and the other has devoted 5 years of his life to serving his country.  But no one seems to want to employ us. If someone could explain this to me, I would be greatly appreciative...

Ugh.  I just don't know how we are going to make it if neither of us gets a job soon....I mean right now, both of us work basically full time...and we are able to afford everything we need. That may not be the case in a little over a month. I don't know how well I am going to handle that reality.  I don't want to be the married couple that lives with their parents. That's not me. And the question of school---I do want to go to graduate school, and I know a lot of people want me to go to graduate school, not that the latter should matter, but it does. I just still don't really know what I want to do for a living, or how to get there once I figure out what that is.  My undergraduate education, I now feel, consisted of people consistently feeding me lies and feeding my confidence...saying "Oh, you can be what ever you want to be!", or "You'll have a bachelor's degree. You'll have no problem getting a job after college."  Yeah, right.

The future is one huge question. Who, what, when, where, why, how.....they all remain open to be answered. I hope I get a few answers soon.

I started my blog today.

I saw a bunch of other people had started blogs...so I figured, why not follow the trend and make one of my own?! This blog will consist of stories, thoughts, hopes, dreams, rants, raves, and whatever else I deem appropriate to share with the world. :p Enjoy.